I don’t have many regrets in my life. Though not being 40 yet, some people would say I have yet to begin live. Every twist and turn has provided me with a lesson and I have learned well. Of course the emergence of Facebook has left me feeling shaken and uncertain. I have been contacted by a more than a few admirers from high school of late. It’s funny (not funny ha ha but funny, sad, I think) that we have very different memories of the same time period. I remember being shy and awkward when it came to guys but the life of the party with the girls. I had braces and wore glasses until I was 16, so something like ugly Betty does black face. And I thought I was fat because most of my classmates wore a 0 or 5 while I was in a solid size 7. Sorry Michelle O., but I would take down our fierce leader to have thighs small enough to fit into size 7 jeans again.
My mother was in and out of the loony bin and could give Precious’ mother, played by the sexy Mo’Nique in the movie, a run for the money. I divided my time thinking of ways to get away and ways to kill myself. I just wanted something different and yearned to be somewhere else all the time. Too busy to notice that some guy made his orthodontic appointments the same time as mine or that some other guy felt slighted and used by me after the prom. But one by one they have all popped up with their Jessica Simpson look-a-like wives and near adolescent teens, taunting me with stories of how beautiful I was and what an amazing body I had. While none of us is same person we were 20 years, except for my friend Traci who can wear her same jeans from high school, yes she knows how much I hate her, I am a staggering 200 pounds heavier. But I am happier than I have ever been, secure, and yes sometimes I sleep on both sides of the bed.
So why do I feel so shaken and unsure and regretful? Is it because I’m sorry that I joined Facebook or sorry for the girl I was?
I am somewhat inclined to agree with you. Although facebook is a great way to reconnect with lost friends and loves…it also haunts you when you realize that maybe the world has been moving without you. When I go on facebook, I flip through the pictures, rub my flabby belly, love handles, and pinch more than an inch, all while saying, “Wow she STILL looks damn good after all these years.” I started thinking, has life been going on and I just haven’t been participating? Or maybe facebook is a good motivator to get my s*** together! Who knows. But it is a good way to reconnect…
I’ve recently come across two quotes that kind of hit the mark on this blog.
“Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to be a certain way. Be unique. Be what you feel.” Melissa Etheridge (b 4/3/1961)
“No power in society, no hardship in your condition can depress you, keep you down, in knowledge, power, virtue, influence, but by your own consent.” William Ellery Channing (b 4/7/1780)
I hated high school! The words fag, pansy, fairy, queer were regularly tossed my way – even though I’d not come out (nor even touched another boy) at that time. I was an introverted, skinny-assed geek. But I could fit into designer jeans with a 24 waist!
Over the past 30 years since graduation – I’ve gained gray hair – glasses (all the better to see you my dear) – and a fairly nice waistline (I might be 51, but my waist is still 40!!)! I’ve seen some of my classmates on Facebook – some have aged well – but some are a disaster! One of my former crushes looks like a drugged out John Waters (the director).
Alas – I found my own personal inner security system that makes me proud to be the man that I am today – regardless of what any others thought or think! It’s called living ‘MY’ life ‘MY’ way. And until somebody offers to fully support me for the rest of MY life – I’m going to be as happy about who I am as a kitten with new ball of string!
I look at it this way…the past is a history, the future is a mystery, but this moment is a gift, which is why it is called the present…or as Kanye says ” you can live thru anything if magic made it”